returning to form.

A MONTH out from a 3 week trip back home to the Philippines. Anxiety, excitement, and endless assumptions of every possible scenario that could happen run through my mind. Nothing seemingly new here from any other time I’ve traveled, but something does feel a tad bit different. Is it the fact that I’ve always had an internal FilAm vs. Filipino identity crisis? Is it because I haven’t been back home in 10 years and feel some shame about that? Is it because I had no involvement in the planning, and I have a control problem that I’ve been working on with my therapist for the past year and a half? Probably. To all of those. 

I’ve always been a worrier, a worrier that is quite skilled at compartmentalizing, but a worrier nevertheless. And for the majority of my life I mainly worried about the people I cared about. Always wanting to help in any way that I can no matter how much fuel was in my gas tank. I wanted to ensure that everything was running smoothly in their lives; and if they were, then it became easier for me to start caring about my own. I can picture you slowly nodding your head as you think “I’m starting to see the controlling thing”. Only recently, thanks to someone very important to me (who actually is the person who convinced me to go to therapy), taught me that caring for myself is something that needs to become a priority. Who would’ve thought?!?! And funnily enough I think this, at least at this very moment, is a version of caring for myself.

It’s me finally admitting out loud how truly important it is to me to go back home. To remind myself where I came from. To see the people that spiritually shaped a lot of who I am. To reconnect with my people. It’s me finally being vulnerable enough to wear my pride and needs, and unashamedly expressing it with everyone I love. And all of these worries and thoughts are just prime indicators that I am to a certain degree going into this trip for myself, and care a fuck ton about it. 

A DAY into the long travel back home to the Philippines. After 18 hours of flight time, we’re in Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport for a layover before we hit the final flight of 3 hours to the motherland. Remember the worry I was talking about? Well, that all just slowly started to melt away. Bit by bit thanks to the undying support from my loved ones. It is amazing how much a simple message does. Let alone several messages from best friends, former lovers, former coworkers, sparring partners, jam buddies, the whole lot: all wishing me happy travels and them expressing how excited they were for me to be having this experience.

This brings me to the other lesson that was taught to me very recently: accepting love. Being able to implement both lessons can be quite difficult. But for some reason, it’s easier this time around. Does it help that I’m also with my little brother (who is undoubtedly one of my favorite human beings on this and other universes) and his girlfriend Kaity (who is undoubtedly a sister to me)? It absolutely helps. As I walk through this airport snack hunting with them, I’m wearing this silly open mouthed smile on my face because I am now in a very special mode. In fighting and sparring we call it a flow state; where you are simply living in real time, finding confidence and trust in everything you know, and adjusting accordingly with your instinct. Soaking it all in the present, and ready for whatever may come in the near and far future.

Taiwanese Fried Chicken is what arrived in the near future. We meet up with my Mom, Aunt, and Uncle at our gate about half an hour before boarding. As we enjoy the chicken along with some other fun Taiwanese snacks, I slowly start to see everyone put on the same smile. It looks like we're all ready…

Night EIGHT in the Philippines. I didn’t mention this before, but three years ago our Dad went back home to the Philippines to take care of his dad before he passed. We understood that it was necessary, but obviously we have missed our uso. So another big aspect to this trip is that my brother and I got to reunite with our dad.

He told us that he would arrive on the island a few days after we would, but during night one he surprised us. That cheeky bastard was already there! I usually hate surprises, but nothing to hate on this one. My Dad is quite a complicated person in his own way. He can be lazy, forgetful, and a self-admitted former asshole in his younger years. But if there is one defining thing that I know about him, it’s that he loves me and my brother with every essence of his being. 

As I drunkenly walk him home tonight, I can’t help but reminisce. This is the man that taught me how to fight. This is the man that taught me how to play drums. This is the man that taught me how to check my ego whenever it inflates too much. And most importantly, this is the man that taught me to not judge others. With every decision I made in my life (and let me tell you, a lot of those were dumb), he has never judged me for a single one. Even the ones where we had opposing stances on. One of them being romance.

My Dad is a notorious romantic, and for the majority of my dating life I was…how do I word this…I was…debaucherous and shallow. While he definitely had his handful of jokes about it, he was never judgmental. With that being said, one of the things I was looking forward to talking to him about was the fact that I, to everyone and their momma’s surprise, did fall in love. While that relationship didn’t work out, I was still very much excited to chop it up with him because fuck man LOVE IS GREAT, it was a unique and special experience, and I learned so much about myself in that relationship. 

The conversation had its bumps because there was still a piece of him that was skeptical. But after we ironed it out, I am so grateful to have had the time to discuss it all. The highs, the lows, and the absolute agreement that it truly is what life is all about. And to add even more, he also gifted me with an unexpected thank you for being the anchor to the family. It was something I always thought was just going to go unnoticed, something that I had to do without acknowledgement. But the man left me speechless and in tears as he recounted the things I have done.

Yes, I am still in tears typing this. 

Our FINAL DAY in the Philippines…I’ll make this portion quick, because it really is that simple; both my immediate and extended family here have shown me once again how lucky I am to have a family like them. Ones that are always going to be on my side, and want nothing but the best for me. If getting reminded that is all I get out of this trip, consider me a happy chappy. But I got even more than that; like the moments with my dad, but also this newfound appreciation for my mom.

Growing up my Mom was harsh, strict, and very scary. What I would imagine a military drill sergeant would be like, but instead of being scolded over push ups, it was more so about not sweeping every square inch of the household. And anyone who knows my Mom knows that I am not speaking with hyperbole. At least those were the details I focused on as a kid.

But as a 31 year old now looking at her singing songs with her Mom (my last grandparent), all I can see is someone who tried their very best. As I see her give confidence and love to her friends and family in this little island in the Philippines the very same way she does for her circle in the U.S., all I see is someone who fought tooth and nail to make sure my brother and I got everything we needed and then some. As she gives words of comfort to my aunt, all I see is someone who can show courage even during the darkest of times. As she gives money to every homeless kid she sees, all I see is someone who has been generous even during times when they barely had anything for themselves. As I see her cry saying bye to her Mom before we leave, all I see is someone who deserves to know that their parents are so proud of the person they raised. She is someone who has brought so much goodness into this world that when it’s all said and done, she will still be here because of her influence on people. 

Day FIVE back in the U.S. This cold is kicking my ass, I had to break up with someone, I have post trip blues, and I am uncertain on when I will be able to head back to Brooklyn. YET, I am unusually optimistic. As cliche as it sounds, the trip back home humbled and rerooted me. Life really will go by so damn fast, each passing year gets faster and faster. Buckle up chuckle fuck, and hug your people tight.

xoxo

A Leaf in the Wind Wannabe